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Lets Talk... How Little Space helps my Depression ( My Story )
I was programmed from a young age that I was not a good person and I never will be. I pretty much developed all these problems when I was 13. I hid my true feelings about my life from everyone which made me into a so called Drama Queen and no one believed something was really wrong with me.
I eventually went to a shrink when I was 16 and since my mother was so nosy, I just stopped going and acted like everything was fine. I was then diagnosed with EBD ( Emotional Behavior Disorder) which in my mind is a mild form of bipolar. My family acted if I was fine and that diagnose was stupid until I went to my OB and told her what was going on, she sent me to another shrink. I was diagnosed with depression officially when I was 18 and pregnant with my first child. I started on an anti depressant and that started my journey on trying to find another way of dealing with my depression other then medicine. Fast forward to a year ago and my struggle with self harm and depression and hearing voices was getting un bearable, pretty much I was close to going to a mental hospital. I know that you are thinking how could you do that to the people you love, but only people with my illnesses would understand.
I finally decided after an almost divorce with my husband it was getting time to get help. I started going to another shrink, keeping it as a secret from my parents and only told a choice few, they were proud of me for getting help and knew that was what was best for me and my family. I go for a few weeks and all I talked about what was going wrong in my life with my husband. I started to not like going because I can read people and even though the lady that I had was so sweet I could feel her judging eyes and tone, call me paranoid if you wish but I just stopped going and stopped taking the medication they gave me, which I do not advise doing that cold turkey that can really mess you up. I was trying to find other outlets because I wanted to change I wanted to do it for myself more than for my family. Selfish right? No, wrong I finally was thinking of myself more than others like I had done for years. I was at the point where I felt they all deserved better then me and I was going to give them better without me. During my time there, they told me I was bipolar and wanted to watch me more over time to see what medication that I would need which scared me more then you could imagine. I was now officially diagnosed with manic depression which is the worst kind you can have, EBD and now bipolar. That is when I knew that going to the doctor was not for me, I hated telling people what was wrong specially if they didn't know me which can work for some people. I ran and I ran like hell saying I would figure it out, I started to take the meds that I stopped taking and getting myself on a routine. That seemed to be helping for a while than, Misslady and I started to do work for chaturbate which yes, I was a webcam girl and I learned about Kitten Play.
I started there and saw I was truly still into BDSM as I was when I was a few years younger but this was something ( at the time) I truly fell in love with, so I started my life in this cool lifestyle. I was talking to my partners about it and neither were interested and that made my depression come back 10 fold. I quite my job and turned back into my hermit crab self and watched from afar at all the the pet players. Some nights I would actually cry because I did not feel loved. I have scarified so much for them why couldn't they do this for me? ( my thought process ) well a few weeks on tumblr and ABDL and Little Space type blogs were appearing on my blog so I started my research for Little Space. A few weeks go by and I officially started to identify as a little and a kitten. I talked to my partners again and they were okay with my choices but did not want to be involved, once again I felt lost.
I started talking in the community and felt so welcome and loved but very jealous which did not help with my depression. I shut down once again and my partners began to notice and decided to talk to me, I told them how I felt and my wife made the decision that she would try to join in with me for my help, it was very slow at first and it started to help me more. I got back on my routine and regressed at the right times, I kept taking my meds again and everything was great for a while. My wife got distant when I was in little space and was not being a good caregiver in little space. Here we are today, I still struggle so hard with my depression but my mommy has gotten better; we are taking it one day at a time and after a lot of research she is starting to come around and enjoy it herself.
Little space lets me forget my problems at least for a moment and get back happy so I can take the situation with a level head; it helps me smile even when I want to cry. When I feel depression coming on, I talk about my feelings with her and we decided together if little space in that moment is necessary. Little space is so innocent and so helpful, I truly am blessed to be apart of this community.